A hater’s guide to the Warriors-Grizzlies play-in

The Memphis Grizzlies have dramatically changed their roster since they faced the Warriors in the 2022 playoffs. Here’s something to hate about everyone on the team.

The No. 7 Golden State Warriors are hosting the No. 8 Memphis Grizzlies in an NBA play-in game Tuesday night, thanks to Harrison Barnes, James Harden, that ref who called a loose-ball foul on Jonathan Kuminga against the Rockets in the Emirates Cup, Draymond Green’s last-second layup attempts, De’Anthony Melton’s ACL, and that one game where Quentin Grimes turned into Tracy McGrady.

The Grizzlies and Warriors met in the final play-in game of the 2021 season, where Memphis won a thriller in overtime. These teams also met in the second round of the 2022 playoffs, where Dillon Brooks broke the code and Gary Payton II’s wrist, Draymond Green got ejected from the opening game, Taylor Jenkins accused Jordan Poole of ruining Ja Morant’s knee, and the Warriors danced to “Whoop That Trick” during a Game Five blowout loss, and won in six games.

In case you’ve lost track of how and why to despise the Grizzlies ahead of Tuesday’s play-in, here’s a handy guide to hating the Grizzlies.

Ja Morant: Has been heavily punished for brandishing guns, both real and imaginary. His dad has carved out a career as Ja’s dad and a guy who kind of looks like Usher. Morant’s move from finger guns to imaginary grenades is a sad reminder of our nation’s constant tendency towards greater and greater militarization.

Jaren Jackson, Jr.: In 2022, Jackson tweeted “Strength in numbers” that made Klay Thompson so mad he complained about it and called Jackson a “bum” after winning the title. If Klay can be that petty about a tweet three months later, we can still be petty about it three years later.

There’s no place for that, Jaren!

Jaylen Wells: People made a big deal out of him shutting down Steph Curry in a game. But after all that, Wells is “unavailable” for the play-in game because of a “broken wrist” sustained on a “dangerous flagrant foul.” Kind of sounds like he’s ducking Steph to us.

We hope he “recovers with no ill effects” because he’s “one of the best rookies in the NBA this season.” Whatever.

Desmond Bane: We have nothing against this Grizzlies guard in particular, but we have a big problem with what his cousin did at that Gotham Rogues game.

Not cool, Desmond.

Zach Edey: I for one are sick of all these Canadian centers sneaking across the border and taking offensive possessions away from Americans in the post. Can we get a tariff on this guy already?

Santa Aldama: Had a work-related dispute with Bane last month that involved physical violence. That plus his name makes me think Aldama may be connected with Talia al Ghul and the League of Shadows.

Luke Kennard: Went to Duke.

Brandon Clarke: Thinks he’s entitled to an extra “e” at the end of his last name for some reason. Won’t be playing Tuesday due to getting an “orthobiological injection” in his right knee. In other words, he’s afraid of Quinten Post.

Cam Spencer: Just like all parents, we’ve decided which brother we love most and it’s Pat.

Scotty Pippen, Jr.: It makes us sad to see how Scottie Pippen’s son spells his first name and realize the elder Pippen was too shy to correct anyone about his own name being spelled incorrectly for his whole career.

Vince Williams: Has the name of a football player, not a basketball player.

GG Jackson: One “G” in the 20-year-old forward’s name stands for “Gregory.” The other “G” stands for “Gargamel,” who is the mean wizard who torments the Smurfs.

John Konchar: Konchar was a college star for the Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodons, and we’re sorry, but this website is Indiana University Fort Wayne for life.

Marvin Bagley III: If you’re like me, you know this guy as the rapper “MB3 FIVE,” who put out the album “Big Jreams” in 2019. But MB3FIVE just didn’t bring the same focus and flow to the followup EP, “Marv vs. Marv II.”

Yuki Kawamura: He’s the shortest player in the NBA at 5-foot-8, which doesn’t let people like your author claim they were simply “too short” for a basketball career, rather than facing their severe deficits in skill, conditioning, and ability to consistently make an undefended left-handed layup.

Jay Huff: Doesn’t recycle.

We hope this helps you channel your negative energy wisely during Tuesday’s big game. Because basketball fandom is always personal.