It’s time for new SF Giants’ City Connect jerseys. We have some thoughts.
A new season means new City Connect jerseys for the San Francisco Giants. Who better to weigh in on fashion design than society’s greatest tastemakers, baseball bloggers? Am I typing this while wearing pants with an elastic waistband and a drawstring? I plead the fifth. To the jerseys!
Everything Lou Seal All Of The Time
My vision is for an alternate uniform that celebrates the Giants’ mascot, Lou Seal, a jovial mascot who is a mix between a seal, a large rodent, and Poochie the Dog from The Simpsons. Mainly Poochie, especially when Lou wears his cap backwards with sunglasses. With these new jerseys, when Lou Seal isn’t out there doing his crazy antics, we want fans to be asking, “Where’s Lou Seal?”
We’re talking, Lou Seal on the front. Lou Seal on the caps. Lou Seal in the dugout. Lou on the back, belly-bumping the players’ numbers. On their feet? Shoe Seal.
However, when thinking about designing these uniforms, based on a seal who doesn’t actually look like a seal, I ran into questions. Like, does Lou Seal have any other moves that aren’t about violating someone’s personal boundaries with his seal torso? Why does Lou Seal never do anything water-related? Is it time to soft-launch a wife for him, a la Mrs. Met? Proposed name: Lucille Seal.
My dream is at the end of the year, the Giants bring back the Crazy Crab and Lou Seal will be summoned back to his home planet.
Scary SF Jerseys
Opposing players are supposedly so afraid of San Francisco they aren’t willing to sign with the Giants as a result. It’s time to use this fear to the Giants’ advantage.
I’m pitching jerseys that just read “TENDERLOIN” across the front. On the left sleeve, there’s a car with a broken window and on the right sleeve, a rainbow. And they’re pink.
These intimidating jerseys will also feature patch like the ones teams use for people who died, only instead of the dead person’s initials, it says “DEI.” Worse, they’re made of 100% recycled materials. Teams from the Midwest that visit San Francisco are going to be shook!
Gratefully Dead
If the intent is jersey sales, these are going to kill, because Deadheads will buy anything that panders to them. Here’s the thought: A cap with an SF logo inside a skull. Tie-dyed tops. Dancing Bears on the sidelines. Every player’s number is 420. Casey Schmitt legally changes his last name to “Jones.” On Grateful Dead days, the national anthem becomes a seven-minute jam and “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” concludes with an extended period of “space music” performed by Mickey Hart, Bruce Hornsby, and John Mayer.
Champions Blood
A number of MLB teams have embraced full red uniforms, even ones like the previously red-free Houston Astros and the Philadelphia Phillies, who spent a large part of the 70’s and 80’s rejected their crimson part in favor of wearing burgundy, Grimace-toned uniforms.
It’s time for the Giants to get into the red game with “Champions Blood” alternate uniforms. No subtle orange Fridays gradients – these are blood red tops. Every player’s blood type is printed on one sleeve, and fans get half-price admission if they’ve donated blood in the past two weeks on Champions Blood nights.
The team will also guarantee that Hunter Pence has given a fiery, profane motivational speech to every jersey sold.
Jolly Green Giants
This is all about corporate branding. We’re looking at green pinstripes, solid green pants, and various vegetables on the sleeves. We know that Giants ownership needs money to cover a disastrous real estate development sign quality free agents, so it’s time to cozy up to Big Frozen Veggie.