A guide to your new favorite team, the New York Yankees

It’s time for Giants fans to come together as one and support the plucky, underdog New York Yankees as they face off against the dastardly Dodgers in the World Series

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. That’s what San Francisco Giants fans will be telling themselves as the World Series kicks off, featuring the New York Yankees against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Sure, the Yankees also have a sky-high payroll, regularly beat out the Giants for free agents, and have an arrogant fan base that seems to pervade every American city, but at least they never employed Tommy Lasorda, Mike Marshall, or Trevor Bauer.

So when the World Series begins Friday night in Los Angeles, Giants fans will likely be rooting for New York, albeit while holding their noses and wondering why Fox needs two former Yankees on its pregame show. That’s why we are presenting a guide to your new favorite baseball team, the scrappy underdogs from the Bronx.

Starting Lineup

1. Gleyber Torres, 2B: Torres has been considered a disappointment for the Yankees after making the All-Star team in his first two seasons and declining to the point where he’s only good for 20 homers, 80 runs, nd 75 RBIs per season, numbers that would make him the best position player the Giants have produced in over a decade. After a slow start, he hit .293 after the All-Star break and has a .400 OBP for the playoffs.
2. Juan Soto, RF: Not only can Giants fans cheer on Soto, who turns 26 on Friday, they can fantasize about the Giants finishing a close second in the race to sign him after the season. Soto slashed .288/.419/.569 in his first season with the Yankees, hit 41 home runs, and has led the league in walks a Bondsian three times before the age of 25.
3. Aaron “Arson” Judge, CF: Judge grew up a Giants fan in Linden, California, roughly 90 miles away from Oracle Park. The Giants heavily recruited Judge after the 2022 season, which guaranteed he’d resign with the Yankees. Then he celebrated his new $360M deal by hitting a home run off Logan Webb on the first pitch he saw in the 2023 season. He’s about to win his second AL MVP award in three seasons, and like Brandon Belt, he’s the Yankees captain, though in Judge’s case it wasn’t a self-imposed title.
4. Giancarlo Stanton, DH: The Yankees’ 2-4 spots are a Murderers’ Row of players who don’t want to play for the Giants. After the 2017 season, Stanton refused to waive his no-trade clause for a move to the Bay, and honestly, it was a smart decision. 2018-20 was a rough era for the Giants. Stanton was the MVP of the ALCS, and he’s baseball’s active leader in both career home runs (429) and strikeouts (1,963).
5. Jazz Chisholm, Jr., 3B: The Yankees acquired Chisholm in July, which might confuse Giants fans who were unaware that you’re allowed to trade for good players in the middle of the season, not just claim them off the waiver wire from the Tampa Bay Rays or Seattle Mariners. He’s also fast, stealing 40 bases, something Giants fans might also be aware you’re allowed to do in baseball.
6. Anthony Rizzo, 1B: The Giants faced Rizzo and the Chicago Cubs in the 2016 Division Series, where he hit just 1-for-15 with two walks. But one of those walks came as the Giants used five different relievers to blow a 5-2 lead in the 9th inning of Game 4 to lose the series. Rizzo has played for the Yankees since 2021, but has been wildly unlucky the last two seasons. Fernando Tatis, Jr. gave him a concussion slamming into him while getting picked off last season. This year, Rizzo broke his arm colliding with Red Sox pitcher Brennan Bernardino at first base in June, then broke two fingers on a hit-by-pitch in September. He has no relation to The Rizzler, a third-grader who is inexplicably wildly popular for making faces and eating costco food.
7. Anthony Volpe, SS: The Italian-American Museum in New York City used to display a Danilo Gallinari jersey in their front window long after he’d been traded from the Knicks. So NYC must be thrilled to have two players of Italian heritage hitting back-to-back, and both named Anthony! Volpe was born in Manhattan, grew up idolizing Derek Jeter, and won a Gold Glove as a rookie. Mama mia! And like the great Tim Lincecum, Volpe’s mom is of Filipino heritage.
8. Austin Wells, C: The Yankees were hitting their rookie catcher cleanup when the playoffs began, which we will consider a shoutout to Buster Posey and the 2010 Giants. Wells also sports a thick, painter’s brush mustache, something that should endear supporters of the Giants’ Mustache Mays.
9. Alex Verdugo, LF: Verdugo started his career as a Dodger (that’s bad) but got traded away for Mookie Betts (that’s good), who helped Los Angeles to a highly asterisked 2020 title (that’s bad). This year, Verdugo found out he’s allergic to both his batting gloves and the tattoos on his own body, a medical ailment so strange even Jeremy Affeldt wouldn’t believe it.

Pitchers

Game 1: Gerrit Cole: The 2023 Cy Young winner has been in the World Series before, back in 2019, when A.J. Hinch failed to use him out of the bullpen in Game 7 as the Houston Astros blew their lead. Not everyone can be Madison Bumgarner, but Cole was at least willing to try!

Game 2: Carlos Rodon: Rodon had a great year for the Giants in 2022, after he was signed to a two-year contract with a player option for the second season. When has that ever backfired on the Giants? He hasn’t been quite as dominant for the Yankees, which is likely due to the Yankees making him shave his glorious beard.

Game 3: Clarke Schmidt (probably): Basically shares a name with Will Clark and Jason Schmidt. That’s good enough for us.

Game 4: Luis Gil (probably): That last name is pronounced like “Heel,” something that all longtime Yankees fans like our readers know.

Manager: Aaron Boone: Somehow, despite there being three generations of Boones in major league baseball, playing a combined 59 seasons, neither Aaron, his brother Bret, his father Bob, nor his grandfather Ray ever played for the Giants. But like the great Bruce Bochy, Boone has had multiple heart surgeries, though we haven’t been able to determine if he ever received a Bochy-esque tranfusion of “champion blood.”

We hope this helps you enjoy the World Series and your new favorite team, the Bronx Bombers. Start spreading the news! Hey, I’m walkin’ here! Beat LA!